


If John Had Survived...

by sunflower_beatles



Category: The Beatles
Genre: F/M, Fluff, M/M, McLennon, SO GAY, and theres a bit of rape description but it's not too graphic, john is in love with him, just a warning, paul and john are so very gay, ringo and george are mentioned... a few times... we're not excluding them compLETELy you crazies, they make out too, yoko did brainwash john lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-16 12:26:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11828730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_beatles/pseuds/sunflower_beatles
Summary: This is an AU if John Lennon had survived being shot in December 1980, which, as we know in the real world, he did not. The doctors did conclude that John had lost too much blood by the time they got him to the hospital, they wouldn't have been able to save him. That is why this is an AU (alternate universe).There is a slight r*pe description at the end of chapter 6. It's not very bad, but if you're someone who might get triggered by that sort of thing, you can scroll to the bottom and read the ending notes for a short, non-graphic summary.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work will have multiple chapters, but I'm not sure how many yet. Enjoy!

“C’mon, c’mon, pick up…”

“Hello?”

“Paul. Thank God.”

“What? What’s happened?”

“It’s John, um… he’s-”

“John? Is he okay? What’s wrong?”

“Well, Paul, he’s been shot.”

“Shot? Oh God… Can I see him?”

“He’s in surgery right now… They’re not sure if he’ll make it.”

“Oh my God. Okay. Thank you, I’m coming to New York.”

“Alright. I’m real sorry, mate.”

“Thank you.”

I hang up the phone with the worst feeling in my chest, like my whole world is crashing down.

“Linda… I just got a call.”

“Oh? From who?”

“It’s about John…” My pulse thumps under my skin.

“What’s up, is he okay?”

“He’s been shot, I guess.”

“Oh Lord…” She sits down on the bed next to me and strokes my hand. “Is he gonna pull through, do they think?”

“They’re not sure yet.” I stand up and begin rummaging for a suitcase. “I’m going to see him.”

“Here, I’ll help you pack.”

I decide to call George and tell him the news. 

“Hello?” George’s sleepy voice rasps.

“Hey, George, it’s Paul.”

“Paul, it’s 4am… what’s going on?”

“I’m calling to tell you what’s happened to John.”

“What? Is he okay?”

“He’s- he’s been shot…”

“Oh God…” His voice cracks.

“I’m flying to New York to see him, do you want to come?”

“Um... “ I hear him murmur something to Olivia, his wife. “Um, no, we have to stay here with Dhani.”

“Okay, that’s alright… Can you call Ringo?”

“Yeah, yeah…” He seems distraught.

“Thanks, mate…”

“Erm, tell him he’s in my prayers.”

“I will.”

\---

Two hours later, I’m on a plane to New York to visit John, Yoko, and little Sean. God, I can’t imagine what they’re going through. If it’s bad for me, it’s gotta be ten times worse for Yoko and Sean.

\---

When I get off the plane, there’s a car waiting for me to take me right to the hospital. The paparazzi are all over the vehicle of course, and I only manage to stutter, “Yeah, drag, isn’t it?” before I dive into the car and escape the crowds. As I recovered from the chaos of being in the public eye, I scold myself for saying that. The papers are gonna be filled with that tomorrow. 

Finally we arrive at the hospital. Policemen are everywhere, trying to hold back the reporters and fans who all want a glimpse of me. Everything's a blur as I run into the building and am immediately greeted by a rosy-cheeked nurse who leads me into a waiting room. I spot Yoko and Sean and rush to give them a quick hug. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper in Yoko’s ear. She nods and wipes away a tear. 

“His surgery is just about done, sweetie,” the round rosy nurse says, “and then they’ll stitch him up and you can go see him. His wife and child get to see him first, though-”

“We’re all family,” Yoko says quickly, taking my and Sean’s hands in her own.

The nurse nods. “Alright. We’ll call you in when the time comes.” She walks away.

Yoko sinks into a plastic chair. I sit down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders. I can feel her trying to hold back her tears for Sean’s sake. He’s so little; he hardly knows what’s going on. Yoko takes a shuddering breath and takes Sean onto her lap. We all sit together in silence for quite a long time, not caring about whatever conflicts we’d had in the past. Silent tears run down Yoko’s face and I hold Sean’s small hand in mine.

I don’t know how much later it is until the round nurse comes in with a grim expression on her face and says, “The family of John Lennon?”

We jump up and follow the nurse into another room. There are machines beeping everywhere and a doctor standing in front of a bed. My heart thumps as he moves aside and I see John. Wait, is that really you, John? You… you’re hurt…

I nearly sob as Yoko places Sean in my arms and rushes to John’s side. I stumble over to the bed, covering my mouth with my free hand, balancing Sean on my hip. “J-Johnny…” I stutter. He’s covered in bandages and his thin hair is matted with his own blood.

Yoko strokes her unconscious husband's hand. “Doctor, is he going to be alright?” There’s a wild look in her eyes that I’ve never seen before.

The doctor is quiet for a moment. “He was hit four times in the shoulder and back. He’d lost so much blood, we weren’t sure if we could get new blood into him in time. I literally massaged his heart with my hand to get it started again at one point.” Yoko gasps. The doctor sighs sadly. “He’s going to have permanent muscle damage in his back and shoulders. He certainly won’t ever be able to move the way he used to. But with some therapy we should be able to get some of his strength and movements back.”

My eyes well up with tears and I hug Sean tightly. Yoko asks the question we all are dreading. “But he’ll survive?”

“We are confident in that, yes.”

A wave of relief washes over me and I break down. I sit down in a chair next to John’s bed and set down Sean on the edge of the bed. Sean touches his father’s hand and looks at me with confusion in his big brown eyes. “Uncle Paul, is Daddy okay?” 

Tears rush down from my eyes as I take his small hands in mine. “He’s gonna be just fine, Sean. He’s gonna be just fine.” Sean nods and runs around the bed to hug his mother. Yoko glances at me from their embrace and mouths, “Thank you.”

I nod.

\---

I must’ve fallen asleep in that chair in John’s room because some time later there is a crick in my neck and my back is sore. Yoko is asleep in another chair, and Sean is snoring in John’s bed. That’s when I remember what’s happened. John’s frail unconscious face looks so peaceful yet so ravaged. I sit down slowly next to his body and take his hand in mine. 

My vision blurs with tears as I smile and think about what he’d say about me holding his hand, You bloody queer, Paulie! Get off o’ me! I shake my head as the tears spill out and I whisper, “I’m sorry, Johnny. I love you, I really do.” I stroke his cold hand.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and know its the rosy-cheeked nurse. “I’m sorry to disturb, Mr. McCartney, but visiting hours are over now.”

I turn and look at the clock on the wall. “It’s 8:00 already?!” I stand up and grab my jacket. “Thank you for everything, ma’am.”

“Of course, Mr. McCartney. We’ll call you when Mr. Lennon wakes up.”

“Thank you.”

I head down the bland white hallway, turning heads along the way. People whisper my name. I’m used to it nowadays. I hail a taxi and pay him extra not to spill the news that he drove Paul McCartney to his hotel room.

\---

The next morning I wake up with the sun to the hotel room phone ringing. I pick up after three rings.

“Hello?”

“Hi, sorry to disturb you, but is this Paul McCartney?”

“Yes, this is he.”

There’s a little squeak of excitement. I’m about to hang up, figuring it’s just a fan, but then the voice says, “Um, the hospital called. Mr. Lennon is awake.”

\---

I run into the hospital before any fans can see me. I’m nervous to see John; I haven't seen him in years. The rosy-cheeked nurse is there again to greet me. “Yoko and her little boy are already in with him. They know you’d like to have a moment alone with him, though.” I wonder how she knows that. I nod and she leads me into John’s room.

When I turn the corner into the room, I see Yoko smiling and holding the hand of a man who I hardly recognize at first, but I know it’s John. His skin is pale and glistening with sweat, but it’s my John. Sean bounces on the bed next to this frail man he calls his father. I stand there looking for a moment before John glances up and notices me. “Well, are ye just gonna stand there, or are ye gonna give a sick man a hug?”

My eyes fill with moisture as I stride over to his bed and sit down. I look into his light brown eyes and then lean forward gently for a hug. I hear him groan a little as I hug him, but if he is really in pain, he doesn’t tell me. I pull back and put my hand on top of his. “How are you feeling, mate?”

He smiles sadly at me. “Yoko, do you mind if we have a moment?” Yoko nods and disappears out the door with Sean on her hip.

Then suddenly we are alone together for the first time in many years. Memories flash through my mind as I stare at John’s bandages.

“I don’t want yer sympathy, or your condolences, ye know.” His weak voice jerks me back to reality. 

I nod. “I’m not here to give you my sympathy, Lennon.” I smirk slightly at him. “I’m here to see if you’re alright, because I care about you, you bastard.” He chuckles, then winces in pain. 

“Alright, pal. Hey, not a day goes by that I don’t think about ye, y’know.” John’s little-known softer side is coming out.

I smile. “Me either.”

“Well, gee, Macca, yeah, we all know you love yourself so very much-”

“Oh, stop it, Lennon, enough with that,” I say. Both of us are grinning now. I pull his hand into a tight grip, careful not to move his injured shoulder. “I’ve missed you, lad.”

He nods solemnly and says, “I’ve missed you too, Macca.” We look into each other’s eyes for a moment, then he mutters, “Look at us, bloody queers…”

I laugh and release his hand, the moment broken.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john and paul get closer oOoOoOoooO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments on what you think about this chapter!
> 
> people who follow my instagram may have already read this chapter and the last chapter. instagram.com/i_sit_on_my_cornflakes

“Do ye remember, Paulie?”

“Remember what?”

“Those nights in the clubs in Hamburg…” He smirks.

“How could I forget?”

“We’d get bored with all the drinking and the all the girls and the loud music from other bands, we’d just sneak off by ourselves…”

“God, we were such damn pansies back in the day, all over each other.”

“I remember… one night we were both damn drunk, but not enough that we didn’t know what was happening. I remember we went into the dressing room…”

“Oh, I’ve always remembered that night. As long as I live, I’ll never forget it.”

“Me either.”

There is a silence, but it’s not uncomfortable.

“Ey, Macca?” John uses his uninjured arm to cup my chin and tilt my gaze to his face.

“Yes, Johnny?”

“I’ve missed ye, ye bastard, more than I realized. I hope we can get past our differences and be good friends again.”

 

My heart warms as John takes hand away. “Oh, Lennon. We never stopped being good friends. Best friends, in fact.”

His mouth turns up into a wide grin. “Yeah, yeah, there he goes again. The famous Paul McCartney and his sentimentalities.”

I poke his leg gently and playfully. “Says the man who’s widely known for his disgusting sense of… well, can you even call it ‘humor?’”

John smacks my shoulder with his good arm. “Aw, shut it, will ye,” he says, laughing.

There’s a pause. He inhales, exhales, breathing deeply. Then he says, quietly, “I’ve never stopped loving ye, Macca, even when I’m with Yoko, I still love ye.”

\---

Yoko comes in with Sean and the rosy-cheeked nurse a minute or so later. John has sworn me up and down and left and right not to tell anybody that he still, after all these years, has strong feelings for me. I don’t tell him this, but: I have affection for him too. He’s got such an amazing personality and his sense of (disgusting) humor is actually quite attractive. 

\---

When Ivan introduced me to John way back when, I knew him and I would have something special. I was so nervous to meet the cute lad who had been singing onstage a few moments earlier. My knees were knocking. But I managed to play for him a good rendition of Twenty Flight Rock, and he was impressed, especially with my left-handedness. He cracked a few jokes, told me I was pretty good, and sent me on my merry way.

I was awake until about 2am that night thinking about John Lennon and the Quarrymen. 

\---

John is in hospital for six more days before he’s finally allowed to go home. I visit him each day, telling him the latest news, and especially what the papers are saying about his accident. As I’d predicted, the newspapers are swarming about my “Yeah, it’s a drag” comment.

“It’s ‘a drag’?” John points to the headline on the newspaper I’d brought for him. 

“Oh, right, well, you see I was so caught up in the moment with all my emotions and the chaos of the reporters that I just blurted out whatever came to my lips first and dove into the car to escape, I promise you that’s not what I think about all this at all, Johnny.”

He laughs, not wincing as much as he used to. “I know ye wouldn’t actually mean that, McCartney. I may be injured, but I’m not stupid.”

I breathe a sigh of relief and John goes back to reading the newspaper.

Then I remember the news I have to tell him. “I’m flying back to England tonight, Linda and the kids need me back.”

John looks up at me with his brown eyes, his skin pale and clammy-looking. “But, Paulie…” He hesitates. “I need ye here.”

I feel my cheeks heat up. “I know, Johnny, if I could stay, I would, but they really do need me back by tomorrow. I’ve got lots of work to do.”

He pouts. “Okay.... but I’m expecting ye to visit real soon, okay?”

I nod, lean in and press a kiss on his cheek. “I promise.”

\---

Yoko phones me soon after I arrive home in England to update me about John. 

“Hey, Yoko, how’s it going?”

“I’m well, how are you?”

“Pretty good… got any news about John for me?”

“I sure do… they released him last night soon after you left. He’s gonna have to do a lot of physical therapy and exercising, to rebuild his muscles, but even then he’ll still have permanent damage in his shoulders and upper back.”

I don’t say anything for a moment. “S-so he’ll never be able to move the same way ever again?”

She exhales into the phone. “No.”

\---

There are different levels of sadness. There’s sadness caused by missing someone, sadness caused by grieving, and sadness just because you’re sad. There are many more, but they all can cause tears and excessive ice cream consumption.

But the level of sadness that I’m at right now is the worst kind. It’s the kind that you just want to scream and cry and let it all out, but you can’t. You can’t even think straight.

I lay on my bed for the rest of the day, not even getting up to eat or go to the bathroom. I just stare at the ceiling or the furniture, wishing I could do something, anything, to stop my best friend from hurting.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john and paul meet up again and things get a little,, closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! welcome back to ch 3 of this fanfic. i'm glad y'all are liking it so far! hope you enjoy this chapter, and leave comments with your opinions!

Eventually I come to the realization that just laying in bed isn’t productive nor particularly enjoyable, so I get up and make myself a cup of tea. I sit in the window seat and stare down at my estate, the big gardens and ponds and what not. Some time later I feel Linda sit down beside me and hold me in her arms. I want to break down and cry and I know she’d be there to comfort me, but I’m too sad to cry. My best friend is in so much pain all because of a senseless jerk who shot him. 

Suddenly I am filled with rage. This Chapman guy… I will pummel him. Nobody touches my boyf… best friend.

Damnit, Macca, pull yourself together! You’re pathetic. Moping around the house isn’t gonna help John get better.

\---

The next day I’ve improved. I get to speak to John on the phone. Linda and I talk with him together for a bit, then she leaves to go tend to James in his bedroom. John and I get to talk in private for awhile.

“Have ye missed me, Macca?” John’s familiar voice floats from the phone and into my eardrum.

“I sure have, mate.” I consider telling him about my period of depression yesterday, then decide against it. He’s already got so much on his mind; I don’t want to worry him any further.

“I’ve missed ye too,” he murmurs, and I know it’s genuine. I know him well enough to know that his softer side doesn’t come out often, but I think this whole incident has greatly changed him.

Suddenly I’m overcome with such an intense feeling that can only be love. I have to tell him. I need to get it off my chest.

I sigh into the receiver. “John, I- I…” My words stumble out of my slack mouth like a landslide. “John… can’t you see..?” I’m on the verge of tears now and I don’t know why.

“See what, Paulie? Because you of all people should know that I’m legally blind-”

“Goddammit, can’t you see that I’m in love with you?”

He’s stunned into a silence for a minute. When he speaks, his voice cracks. “...Paul- we’re both happily married, ye know.”

Silent tears rush down my cheeks. “I know, I know, and I love Linda very much. But, John… my heart has always belonged to you.”

“Paul, it’s illegal-”

“You bastard, do you think I don’t already know that?” I’m weeping now. “I’m sorry John. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad friend over the past years, but I love you, okay?” My voice cracks and drops to a tear-filled whisper. “Goddammit, I’m pathetic. Listen to me, I’m awful, declaring my love for a married man, I’m so terrib-”

“Paul.”

I’m silent.

“I love ye too.”

I sniffle.

“When can you come see me again?”

“Um-” I rush over to the calendar hanging on the wall. “Sometime before Christmas, I could squeeze in a trip to New York, um-”

“How about we spend New Year’s together?”

I’m quiet, considering the idea. “I’ll have to talk to Linda, of course, and you’ll need to talk to Yoko…”

“Yeah… Oh, Yoko!” he calls for her. I can just barely hear her response. “Would it be alright if Paul came to spend New Year’s with us?” She says something in reply. John yells back, “Alright!” then turns his attention back to me. 

“So?” I ask.

“She says that’d be fine, yes, but she said to invite Linda and the kids as well.”

I feel my heart drop a bit. I’d been hoping it’d be just me and John, but I know that wouldn’t be possible anyway, with Sean to look after, and Yoko hovering everywhere. “Sure, I’ll bring it up to her.”

“Bring what up to me?” Linda appears in the doorway. I quickly try to blink back the tears that still swim in my eyes, but I think she notices.

“Hold on a minute,” I say, then take the receiver away from my face. 

“John’d like to know if we could take the kids and go spend New Year’s with him and Yoko.” I say to my wife.

She considers. “Well, we haven’t got any other plans yet. Tell him yes.”

I smile and lift the phone to my mouth. “John? Hi. Good news. I’m comin’ for ya.”

\---

Two weeks later, all our bags are packed and I have our plane tickets in hand as we roll up in front of the private entrance in the airport. Linda takes James and her suitcase into the building, while I’m left with the rest of the kids and all the luggage. I whistle a happy tune as I unload the car, though, because today I'm going to see John. 

\---

In nine hours we are in New York. We check into our hotel, all extremely jet-lagged. James passes out right in the middle of the bed, and Linda takes a nap next to him. The girls are asleep in minutes as well. I press a kiss on each of their foreheads and head out to John’s home, unsure of what I’ll find there.

\---

Yoko answers the door when I ring the bell. “Hey, Paul!” she says, gesturing for me to come in. “John’s up in his room.” 

My heart beats with excitement as I walk up the stairs, trying to keep my footsteps quiet in case he’s asleep. Part of me hopes he is; I’ve always enjoyed watching him rest. He’s much more peaceful then.

The door is open a crack, so I push it open. It creaks and I wince. If John was sleeping, he’s sure to be awake now.

Sure enough, John grins from under his auburn bed-head hair at me. “Macca! Ye came!”

I smile and walk to the chair next to his bed. “Of course I did! I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to spend the holidays with my mate.” 

He grins and pats the bed next to his body. “Have a seat, then.” I settle in next to him, feeling the warmth of his legs on my backside, just like I did in the hospital. We smile at each other for a few moments, reminding each other that we’re here in the flesh. We both know exactly what the other one is thinking. Then he breaks the silence. 

“Where’s Linda? The kids?”

I shift, as I’d been hoping he wouldn’t bring it up. “They all fell asleep in the hotel room. It’s quite late back in England, y’know.”

He nods. “Yeah.” He looks at his lap under the white sheets of his bed. “But I think there’s another reason you came alone, right, Macca?”

I blush furiously. “I- uh, yeah-”

Swiftly John pulls me in with his good arm and suddenly his lips are on mine. I find myself with my arms around his warm neck, pulling him closer to me. I can feel the bandages under his pajamas, but if it hurts, he doesn’t tell me. We’re both so close and so wrapped up in the passionate kiss that all else melts away and it’s just me and him, floating in space.

Finally he pulls back and our noses touch, sharing breath. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that, Paulie,” he says, pressing his open mouth to mine again. 

The door creaks behind us and I sit bolt upright, whipping around to look. A little head peeks around the corner. “Daddy?” It’s Sean.

“Hey, buddy, come on in!” Sean flings open the door and launches himself onto the opposite side of John from where I sit. I wipe my mouth; it’s wet with John’s saliva and my own nervous sweat. Sean begins showing John a drawing he created. I can’t help but smile as his face lights up when he sees it. It’s mostly just scribbles, but John seems fascinated by it. He promises to hang it on the fridge later, and Sean goes running out of the room. 

John sighs and turns to me. “I love that kid to death, I really do,” he says, patting my hand. “I love ye too, Macca. I love ye to death.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oOoOoOooOOo

I spend a good part of the evening there with John, Yoko, and Sean. Yoko invites me to stay for dinner, and I accept, but not just because I can see John, but so I can catch up, so I can re-learn every little thing that makes up John and everything he loves.

Yoko cooks a lovely dinner for us. I sit across the table from John, his socked feet tangled in mine under the tablecloth. Sean sits next to John and Yoko’s on Sean’s other side, helping him to properly eat his meal. John occasionally shoots me a little grin between bites of vegetarian Chicago-style pizza, and I have to physically restrain myself from blushing. 

Yoko’s a bit preoccupied with Sean, but she joins in our conversations about current events, weather, the other two Beatles and their families, so-paul-how-are-the-wife-and-kids, how’s-the-band-going, etc. 

The conversation gradually dies down as we eat, and soon it’s just the clinking of silverware and the occasional burp from John, followed by a giggle from Sean. When we all finish the meal, I politely thank Yoko for being such a good hostess. She clears our plates and sends Sean to his playroom. 

Then it’s just me and John again, our feet intertwined under the table. The light bulbs above us cast a yellowish light on John and bathes him in the color. His brown eyes flick across the patterned tablecloth, stare at me, and glance away again. His toes tap the floor to a steady rhythm next to my foot. The whole scene makes me long for him like never before.

Suddenly he begins to sing quietly to the tapping of his foot.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise…

My song. Blackbird. John, singing my song, him gazing at me, glowing with the lamp’s yellow light, his face resting in his hand, singing my song. 

He looks directly into my eyes, opens his mouth again and sings another line, barely a whisper:

I’d love to turn you on...

Memories flood my mind, memories of sitting in the studio very late at night, writing A Day In The Life. His face had lit up with the idea, as I’d watched him do so many times, and he wrote it down before telling me. I had read his scribbly writing, then looked up at him with a sly grin.

That night we had kissed over the half-written lyrics and then hated ourselves for it. The producers and even George and Ringo had been in just the next room. Who knows what would’ve happened if we had gotten caught snogging in the studio.

“Do ye remember that night?” John’s soft voice brings me back to the table where we sit. That was 1967, of course; over ten years ago was when we last showed any romantic interest in each other.

“I was just thinking about it.”

“It’s been thirteen years since I’ve kissed ye, Paul. Thirteen years.” He pauses. “Yoko- well, she was never really the love of my life, because it’s always been you, Paul. It’s you. Always has been, always will be.”

Tears gather in my eyes as I smile and reach across the table for his clammy hand.

“I know for a fact she isn’t the happiest she could be if she was with a man who loved her till the end of time.” His thumb brushes over my palm. “I do love her, yes. But yer the one I want to be with until the day I die.”

I can’t hold back the tears any longer, and they spill out, getting the front of my shirt wet. John passes me a napkin and I wipe my eyes while he strokes my hand. That one simple gesture means so much more to me than he’ll ever know.

“John, John, I- I love you, so much, but we have families, Johnny-”

“We could just- keep it a secret.”

“Wha--?”

“We could, y’know. We could.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yoko gets in the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch 5 is up! yayaayay  
> ive been pretty busy with school + other things but i've somehow managed to find time to write! i hope you enjoy this chapter!

I don’t remember much after that. It’s all a bit of a shock, really. The happily married John Lennon, my best friend Johnny, wants to be with me. I’m shocked with myself, too, honestly. I didn’t realize just how much I loved him until he was hur-

Sometime later I hail a cab back to the hotel, and I find my family has ordered room service and are happily munching on pizza. Linda gives me a questioning look when I walk in, and I mouth “I’ll tell you later”, and join my family.

An hour later, all the kids are tucked in bed, and Linda and I are laying together in the dark. 

“Paul?” Linda’s sleepy voice breaks the silence.

“Yes?” Here it comes.

“Where were you this evening?”

“I went to go see John and Yoko and Sean.”

“You just couldn’t wait till tomorrow?” She laughs quietly.

“No.” I grin, even though she can’t see me in the dark. I’m glad for that, too, because I’m sweating nervously.

“How are they, by the way?”

“They’re good. Great.” Smooth, Paul. Smooth.

“That’s good.”

“Mmm.”

Silence.

“Well, goodnight, my darling.” She presses her lips to my cheek and rolls over.

I fall asleep with a pang of guilt shooting through my body.

\---

That night, I have a very vivid dream.

The dream starts off with John and I in the Dakota, waving Yoko and Sean goodbye. They’re headed to Sean’s daycare for whatever reason. He closes the door behind his wife and kid and turns to me, grinning. John’s shoulder has no bandages in sight. “Paulie… did you miss me?” he purrs, pulling me close to him and messing with the top button of my shirt.

“Yes, Lennon… I missed you so much…” I push him gently against the door and he kisses my neck. I bite my lip. “Johnnnn…” I whine.

He pulls back and smirks, his fingers hooked in my belt loops, pressing my body right up against his. “Yes?”

I’m silent, but grinning slightly. He gets the message and takes me by the hand upstairs to his bedroom. He locks the door and just as he pushes me onto the bed-

I wake with a start and spaz a little. “Huh..?” I’m disoriented. The bed is bouncing?

Oh, oh, it’s the kids jumping on the bed. Linda is laughing. I try to push my dream and my longing for John to the back of my mind and enjoy my kids’ company.

-

Around ten o'clock that morning is when we (meaning our family along with all our luggage and heaps of bodyguards) reach John’s apartment. Yoko answers, and the bodyguards usher us all inside in a McCartney mess. Then the bodyguards shut and lock the door, and stand outside the building. I guess we’re all getting extra security now that John’s been attacke-

Yoko welcomes us in, Sean warming up to the McCartney kids. I look around for John. Yoko sees me wondering and points up the stairs.

John’s in bed yet again, but he looks even better than he did last night. His smile lights up the dim room when he sees me. I rush over to his bedside and give him a quick hug. There are still bandages on his shoulder, but he’s warm and full of life. Just knowing he’s getting better makes me smile.

“Good morning, sunshine!” he says cheerfully, and I blush. 

“Morning, Lennon.”

He smiles at me and takes my hand in his and studies it. His fingers trace the lines of my palm. I smile to myself at how precious this man is.

“Shall we go down and join the party, then?” His cheery voice breaks the sweet silence that has enveloped the room. I nod and he tries to get up, but struggles. “Uh, Paul..?”

I rush to his side and slide my arms under his knees and behind his back and I lift him from the bed. He’s lighter than I’d expected; I guess he lost weight from when he was sh-shot… 

“Do you need me to carry you or can you walk?” I ask.

He shrugs, as best he can with an injured shoulder and one arm wrapped around my neck. “I don’t mind.” He presses his face into my neck.

I kiss his head and carry him downstairs. He’s not too heavy; I’ve carried Mary and Stella at the same time when they were a bit younger and their weights combined is about how much John is. 

Everyone’s eyes are on us when we reach the bottom of the stairs. I let John down, and his wobbly legs take him to greet everyone in the room. Sean runs up and hugs him. Linda shakes his hand and smiles genuinely, making me feel another pang of guilt. 

I can see the same feeling in John’s eyes as well, when he turns to look at me. “Well, shall we all sit in the family room?”

I notice his word choice: “family” room, not living room or common room. “Family”. He’s uniting us.

I see Yoko pull John aside out of the corner of my eye, but I don’t think much of it. They both join us a few moments later. John looks pained and almost on the verge of tears. I shoot him a glance that said “What’s wrong?” but he just shakes his head.

We all make small talk, the kids playing down the hall in Sean’s playroom. Giggles and shrieks of delight from the younger kids can be heard. John doesn’t seem like himself; he keeps tapping his foot nervously to an unheard beat. 

After about an hour of chatting, Sean comes running and tugs on Yoko’s shirt sleeve. “We’re hungry, Mommy,” he whines.

Yoko gets up and busies herself in the kitchen, making the kids sandwiches. This leaves a very awkward silence between Linda, John, and I. 

“Uh, ahem, I think I’ll go help Yoko in the kitchen,” Linda says hurriedly, and she gets up and leaves. Then John and I are alone.

“John, what did Yoko talk to you about earlier?”

He sighs and looks at his lap, a giveaway that he’s on the verge of crying. When he speaks, his voice cracks. 

“She knows, Paulie. About the kiss. About our love. She knows everything.”

I don’t even remember getting up. I just go storming out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry not sorry for the cliffhanger lol  
> ill try to write ch 6 ASAP <3 i love you all


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> paul's in severe distress oh boy
> 
> reminder that there is a slight r*pe description in this chapter it's real short but if you're someone who gets triggered by that sort of thing, read the ending notes for a non-graphic summary!! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter y'all, I've been busy as heck with school and other things. and the way the plot is going, I kinda needed to put a chapter break there.

“Paul!”

Linda’s voice barely registers in my brain as I run down the sidewalk, pushing past all the security guards. I hear Linda’s heels clacking on the cement as she chases after me, calling for me, pleading me to come back, but I keep running, running, running from my wife and my lover’s wife and my lover’s kids and- my… our… kids… 

Finally I can’t hear Linda’s shoes anymore, and I dash into a corner shop, trying to keep my head down. Tears swim in my eyes as I knock on the bathroom door. “Just a minute,” a man’s voice calls. I wait outside the door, keeping my head down.

I silently punch myself. How did they find out? How? John and I kept it so quiet. The door was open the first time we’d kissed… and at the hospital… Yoko might’ve overheard us… Oh damn. Those girls recognize me. 

“Oh my god! Paul!” “Sign me an autograph!” “I love you!” I’m suddenly overwhelmed by fans, all tugging at my hair and clothing, pressing me up against the door, while the shop owner just stands gaping, not even helping me, and then the bathroom door flies open and I go falling backwards onto the man who’s still zipping his pants, and between us we manage to push all the screaming fans out of the bathroom and lock the door. We’re both panting, and I don’t realize that I’m clinging to him until he says “Um…”

I quickly let go of him and say “Oh- uh… sorry…” Then he looks me in the face and realizes who I am. 

 

“Oh my god, you’re Paul McCartney!” His face lights up, but there’s something in his eyes that just doesn’t seem right… 

I nod and fake a small smile. 

“I’ve been a big fan since the Ed Sullivan show! I grew up with your music.” 

“Thanks, man, hey, I really gotta figure out how to get out of here-”

“And the Yellow Submarine movie? Man, I loved that.”

“Thank you, really, I gotta go-”

“Paul…” he purrs, getting closer to me, his arm resting on my hip. “You’re my favorite Beatle, y’know…” His hand grips my wrist suddenly and he pushes me against the wall. He gets in my face and tries to kiss me, but I turn my head and struggle. But he’s bigger and bulkier than me and he’s got my wrists pinned, and he tries for a kiss again, and he’s unzipping his pants, oh my god I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe-

I kick him in the shins and he releases me, grunting, and I throw open the door, screaming, crying, and sprint through a crowd of fans and right out the door. I literally run for my life all the way back to John’s apartment, and I shove past the bodyguards and crash into the house and collapse on the floor in tears and John rushes over and we’re all crying and the kids are shrieking and Linda is just standing there, in the doorway, broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter summary for those who didn't want to read because of the rape scene:
> 
> Paul runs away from the Dakota, with Linda chasing him. Eventually, he loses her, and he runs crying into a nearby shop. Customers there recognize him as Paul McCartney, and mob him, eventually getting him locked in the bathroom with a perverted man who tries to kiss him. Paul manages to kick him in the shins and run off, back to the Dakota, where he collapses crying, John at his side, and Linda, broken.
> 
> \---
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! finally updating hi !!! remember i'm on instagram at instagram.com/i_sit_on_my_cornflakes   
>  and i recently made an art account! instagram.com/sunflower.sketches  
> thanks for your support! ily all <3

“Paul..? Wake up, love… C’mon…” A hazy figure is leaning over me. My eyesight is blurred and everything seems so bright. Is this what death is like? Am I dead?

Wait… that figure…

t’s John…

Johnny..? 

You- you’re dead too? 

But… 

The doctors said you’d survive… 

Suddenly my vision comes into focus and I gasp for breath. “Paul! Oh my god, he’s awake.”

I look up and the first thing I see is Linda, leaning in the doorway, her arms crossed, tears rushing from her eyes. I try to get up, to go to comfort her somehow, but John has his hands on my shoulders, and I just stop fighting.

“Hey, Paulie, it’s okay, you’ve just overreacted a bit, well, a lot, but it’s okay, I’m here.” John’s calming voice floats into my mind, but my thoughts are racing.

“NO! Y-you don’t understand… H-he tried to- to rape me!” I spit out the words in a hurry, and my chest seizes up and suddenly I’m back in that bathroom, that man’s nasty hands around my waist, and I can’t breathe, I need air, I’m going to die-

“What?! Oh God, Paulie, what happened?” John’s voice startles me back to reality, and suddenly Linda is by my side. 

“I- I went into a sh-shop, to escape,” I sputter. John and Linda nod. “A-and I wanted to go into th-the bathroom, to uh… calm down… but th-there was someone in there, a-and then the f-fans mobbed me…” My voice trails off. 

John’s thumb strokes my shoulder, and Linda caresses my hand. “Go on,” they say.

“A-and they got me pressed up a-against the bathroom door, and th-then the man opened the d-door and I fell in… a-and we got the fans out… but then…” My voice cracks and I sob into John’s arms, not even caring about what Linda and Yoko are thinking. “He tried to t-touch me… to kiss m-me…” 

John strokes my hair and out of the corner of my blurred vision I see my wife get up and hug Yoko.

John and I stay that way for awhile. 

\---

Eventually John helps me to stand up, using his good arm, and we lay down together on the sofa, my head in his lap, cuddling like the queers we are. We don’t even talk; we just hold each other and he plays with my hair. Linda and Yoko are off somewhere, probably whispering about the fact that their husbands are lovers. 

My mind is constantly flashing back to that bathroom, that man’s nasty hands on me. Every time I have a flashback, I cuddle my head closer to John.

“Ahem…” Someone clears their throat from the doorway. I lift my head up and see Linda and Yoko standing there, their arms crossed.

“Erm… hi,” John says uncomfortably.

“Hi.” Yoko’s voice is cold as the winter air outside the house. 

I study my wife’s face. She has definitely been crying. Her eyes are bloodshot and swollen. Her body language tells me she’s angry and uncomfortable. This makes me feel very guilty.

“So we’ve talked.”

John glances up at his wife. “And?”

Yoko sighs. “We realize how much you two love each other. We always have. It’s really quite obvious.” John looks down at me, blushing. 

“And,” Yoko continues. “It will be hard, because we love you just as much as you love each other.” John sags a little. “But, we’ve come to a decision. We’ve realized that you two really are soulmates. It’s true. And we have decided that you two can be together, but it can’t reach the public eye. As far as the press and our children are concerned, you two are happily married to your wives.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end of this story. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter marks the end of this story. It's been quite the journey for sure and I'm thankful for all your support on this story.   
> I have another beatles fanfiction i've been writing, called Comin' down Fast But dont let me Break You. head over to my page and check it out :) thank you! you're amazing <3  
> ~ Flek

*Twenty Years Later*

Linda died two years ago today, April 17, 2000. Yoko, John, Mary, James, Heather and Stella and I visit where her ashes were scattered at our family farm in Sussex. We all held hands and breathed in the soft country air, and I’m not sure about everyone else, but I felt Linda’s presence there. She was looking over me from the heavens, whispering words of wisdom.

Afterwards, while my family and friends went up to the house to make us brunch, I took a walk around the farm, and sat high up on a pile of hay bales outside of the barn, soaking in the beauty of the day. I feel Linda’s presence again, and I feel her hand on my shoulder, murmuring, “It’s okay, Macca…”

I hear crunching footsteps in the leaves, and John’s wrinkly face appears below me. I sigh, glad that he’s here and smile, and pat the hay next to me. John’s glasses slip down his nose as he heaves himself up and next to me. His shoulder is almost good as new, though sometimes he has to ice it because it gets stiff. His arm slides around my waist and pulls my hip to his. I lay my head on his shoulder and I wonder how he’d react if I cried right now.

He’s silent for a minute, stroking my hand gently. “Hey Paulie?”

“Mhm?”

“Are ye okay?”

My mind races. Deep breath, Paul. He’d hate you if you cried over her. “Yeah,” I say, lying through my teeth.

“No, yer not.”

A tear spills out of my eye and splashes on John’s worn jeans. I use my sweater sleeve to wipe it, muttering, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

“Hey, look at me. Look me in the eyes, Paul.” His fingers on my chin turn my head so I’m looking into his deep brown eyes. He wipes a tear that’s trickling down my cheek. “I’m not mad at ye for crying for her, Macca. I would cry if Yoko died. I love her, and ye love Linda. I completely understand, Paulie.” He smiles a little. “C’mere,” he says, and kisses me, his wrinkly lips soft against mine. 

\---

We walk hand in hand back to the house, where the kids and Yoko have made food for all of us. There is homemade butter and fresh bread, and (vegetarian) sausage and eggs. I sit across the table from John, and we tangle our feet together under the tablecloth, just like we did twenty years ago in that cold harsh winter, and I realize now that I am truly happy. I couldn’t be more thankful that he survived that day.


End file.
